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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23219710">thrown across the ocean</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosestico/pseuds/rosestico'>rosestico</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Elite (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Happy Ending tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:01:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,823</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23219710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosestico/pseuds/rosestico</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"She was nauseous in the mornings, evenings, she was nauseous at night. She didn’t want to eat or drink. Going out felt like torture. Nadia told herself it was the stress. It was the stacks of papers she had to write for her classes, it was tests she had no time to study for. It had to be. Because if it wasn’t, it was Guzman, and that was something she couldn’t deal with. Not after everything. Not after the summer they had. Not after all the promises."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Guzmán Nunier Osuna/Nadia Shana</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>208</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>New York felt right. It was just like Nadia thought it would be, filled to the brim with interesting, different people. Filled with so many opportunities to do whatever she wanted. It felt like New York could offer it all. She’d already met more than a few nice people, people she chose to interact with. And no one knew who she was until she told them, it was an empty canvas and she could use the colors she wanted, no one got to choose them for her. It was a new start in all the right ways. Columbia was great too. Nadia’s professors rarely had anything negative to say about her work and living with Lu wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. Everything was going like it was supposed to go. Everything was great. Everything was finally great. </p><p>
  <i>Then why did it feel like this?</i>
</p><p>She was nauseous in the mornings, evenings, she was nauseous at night. She didn’t want to eat or drink. Going out felt like torture. Nadia told herself it was the stress. It was the stacks of papers she had to write for her classes, it was tests she had no time to study for. It had to be. Because if it wasn’t, it was Guzman, and that was something she couldn’t deal with. Not after everything. Not after the summer they had. Not after all the promises. </p><p>Guzman had stopped texting her after a while. She still got occasional questions on how school was going out of politeness, but it wasn’t like she thought it would when they said goodbye back home in Spain. And her heart still skipped a beat when Guzman’s name appeared on her screen, it was pathetic. She was in New York to study, to study and have a future. But that didn’t meant it didn’t hurt. It hurt because it felt like Guzman had meant it when he said he loved her. It hurt because she couldn’t get him out of her head. He took up most of the space, evicting any coherent thoughts about anything or anyone else. It was filled with him and him only. She’d learned to force herself to concentrate on other, mostly college related things in the beginning when they still talked, but now it took too much energy. </p><p>As Nadia lay on the couch of their half-furnished apartment, a million more thoughts ran through her head. She knew she couldn’t let any know how she felt. It had to remain a secret. Unfortunately, Nadia lived with Lu. Fortunately, she believed Lu didn’t know a thing. She was too busy partying or finding herself, as she called it. Lu probably still thought Nadia and Guzman were together. In her defense, even Nadia wasn’t sure what they were. She could only hope he would give her some sort of sign soon. Maybe knowing they weren’t together anymore would give her some sort of peace.</p><p>
  <i>Guzman.</i>
</p><p>Nadia caught her thoughts running away from her, finding their way to a scene from one particular night. She could remember everything in vivid detail and she could remember nothing, almost feeling his lips on her neck again. Almost. She was transfixed. If someone had asked, she would’ve lied and said she’d made an attempt to stop the scene from rolling further in her head. Until…</p><p>“Are you smiling?”, Lu asked, snapping Nadia back to her senses. </p><p>“No.” Nadia replied, moving to a sitting position. </p><p>“Oh, okay then. I thought I’d just witnessed something revolutionary.” </p><p>“What does that mean?” Nadia questioned, now standing up. </p><p>“Come on, Nadia. You smile less now than you did back home.” </p><p>
  <i>Fuck</i>
</p><p>“I’m just not a smiley person.” </p><p>“Okay, honey” Lu replied, rolling her eyes before pausing and looking at Nadia up and down. “Have you gained weight?” </p><p>Lu stared at Nadia with genuinely acquisitive eyes. Why would she ask something like that? And, most importantly, why had Nadia agreed to moving in with her? </p><p>“I don’t know.” Nadia replied, looking back at Lu with annoyance. “Maybe, I’ve been stress eating, because of the exams or something.”  </p><p>“Stress eating? When? I think I’ve seen you eat like twice during our time in New York.” </p><p>“That’s because you’re always out”</p><p>Nadia muttered something about studying under her breath and marched into her room and away from Lu. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Guzman knew what it felt like to have his heart ripped out and thrown across the ocean. Now, as he stared at his chemistry textbook with hollow, sleepless eyes, he knew what if felt like having the only thing that got him out of bed ripped from his side and thrown across the ocean. It was a good decision to stop texting Nadia. It helped him with the pain, at least a little, and most importantly, it helped Nadia. Nadia needed to focus on her life in New York, not on Guzman and his problems. She had to be happy and everything would be okay. </p><p>He buried himself into schoolwork, focusing on grades, hoping to distract himself from Nadia. Sometimes it would be too much and he would go out and drink. Sometimes Ander would be there with him. Sometimes Samuel. Sometimes Rebeca. He would drink a lot, too much on nights when Nadia just would not leave his mind. </p><p>Still, Nadia would fight her way into his thoughts and he would surrender, every time. He would think about how it felt like to kiss her, how soft her lips were, how it felt like to hold her and have her finally be his. Then his mind would find one, perfect, night. He would let himself think about the way she was breathing and how she felt against him and the way she smiled in between. Then he would pretend he wasn’t going to continue thinking about her. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Lu was worried. Her roommate was an idiot and she could do nothing to help her. Or could she? </p><p><b>Lu</b> (2:30): hey babe, any chance you could come and visit us in new york before winter break?</p><p><b>Omar</b>(2:55): maybe</p><p><b>Omar</b>(3:05): if i can get time off</p><p><b>Omar</b>(3:06): why?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>spoiler: nadia does touch her face in this chapter but i want to make it clear that i in no way encourage or advocate face touching, especially during the corona virus pandemic. she will be thoroughly washing her hands with soap the next chapter to make up for this necessary (for the story), but stupid decision. thank you</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>It was going to be okay. She didn’t need to tell anyone. She just needed to make sure Lu wouldn’t find out. She could deal with this. She’d dealt with worse before.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But every single option felt wrong. The best option felt the worst. </i>
</p><p>
  <b>6 weeks earlier: </b>
</p><p>Guzman closed his eyes, leaning back on the incredibly uncomfortable library chair he was sitting on. It was one of his better days. He’d studied most of the afternoon with Samuel, and had managed to only focus on school. He was proud of himself. He'd made a lot of progress lately. </p><p>Unfortunately, in a particularly vicious turn of events, Nadia had now decided it was her duty to appear in any dream he had. All of them. The nightmares too, it was like she was a ghost, tasked with the job of haunting Guzman until he died. Was it not enough that he was reminded of her what seemed like every single minute of his life? Apparently not. </p><p>He had to keep on trying to forget, he had to stop thinking about her. His graduation was on the line for someone he couldn’t be with. She wasn’t his anymore. She was in New York, living the life she deserved to live. He needed to snap out of this. </p><p>He opened his eyes and looked back at the multitude of equations he needed to memorize.  He sighed, deciding he'd had enough of chemistry and turned his gaze outside. Behind the curtains, the sky had been painted a different, darker color now. He glanced at his watch.</p><p>
  <i>He would be okay.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Right? </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Right?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>This couldn’t continue forever. </i>
</p><p>“What time is it?” Samuel asked, his sleepy eyes meeting Guzman’s.</p><p>“8:30.” </p><p>A loud “What?” came out of Samuel’s mouth in response as he jumped up, quickly gathering his things and </p><p>“Where are you going?” Guzman questioned, attempting to piece together why Samuel would suddenly need to leave.</p><p>“I need to go." </p><p>"You didn't answer my question." Guzman continued, now a little annoyed as Samuel had left his seat and started speeding across the library and towards the door. "Samu!"</p><p>He sighed again and reached into his backpack for another book. Maybe he could get a few more hours of studying done before going home. His plans were interrupted by a familiar voice erupting from behind one of the bookshelves. </p><p>“Hi.” </p><p>“Hi” Guzman responded. </p><p>“What’s going on with my sister?” Omar questioned, raising his eyebrows and slowly walking towards Guzman. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Why does Lu want me to go to New York?” Omar continued, now sitting down on Guzman’s desk. </p><p>“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her yourself” </p><p>Omar paused to examine Guzman’s face. Guzman hoped it was neutral, an expression that expressed nothing. </p><p>“Are you going?” </p><p>“No.” Guzman answered instantly.  </p><p>
  <i>Shit</i>
</p><p>His answer had been too quick, too stiff, too revealing. Why did he do that?</p><p>Omar paused again, this time he didn’t examine, he looked worried. </p><p>“Too many exams.” Guzman continued, attempting to steer the conversation away from Nadia.  </p><p>“Okay.” </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Nadia was having one of her better days. Her nausea had finally eased, she knew she was doing well on her exams and her professors seemed pleased. On top of that, Lu had proved to be an excellent person to study with the past few days. She was getting her life back on track. </p><p>She’d also met someone; Hakeem.</p><p>Muslim, from a good family. He’d made her laugh for the first time in a while. They shared one class together, but he’d promised to sign up for all electives Nadia had if she promised to sit next to him. He had asked her out for tea after class, she’d accepted, and to her delight he’d spent half of their tea date making playful jokes about the people around them in Arabic. He felt like a breath of fresh air. They could take their time, she had nothing to worry about. She was in New York. It wasn’t like Omar could turn up and make out with her potential boyfriend this time. </p><p>And everything was perfect. He seemed sweet, caring and they had same interests. He didn’t know anything about Nadia’s past. They could start their relationship without pre existing ideas about each other. </p><p>She knew she could eventually fall in love, obviously not in the way she loved Guzman, but that was okay. He’d make her parents so happy. </p><p>That night, Nadia slept better than she had in ages. </p><p>To make sure she didn’t feel too good about life, her bliss had to end with the loud incessant crying from her neighbor's apartment over what sounded like a break up, and the overwhelming need to throw up. Still, for the first time in New York, she felt like she could handle everything. </p><p>She did what now seemed like a new morning routine: ran to the bathroom in the hopes that this time she might just feel better after throwing up. Of course this routine would not have been complete without Lu knocking on the door, <i>desperately</i> needing to take a shower and Nadia yelling that she needs five more minutes.</p><p>Except this time Nadia had made an alarming mistake that led to the door opening with the aggressiveness that Lu had intended to open it with. </p><p>
  <i>Fuck. She hadn’t locked the door.</i>
</p><p>“Are you okay?” Lu asked, her voice bearing an uncomfortable amount of worry. </p><p>
  <i>Fuck, fuck, fuck. Say something.</i>
</p><p>“I have to say, kneeling next to a toilet definitely isn’t your best look.” Lu continued, this time with an attitude all too familiar to Nadia. </p><p>“I must have eaten something bad again, like last time.” Nadia replied, pleased with her answer even though it came a tad too late. </p><p>“What about the time before that?”</p><p>“When?” </p><p>Panic started to set over Nadia steadily. She’d only forgotten to lock the door once before. How could she know about the other times?</p><p>“And the time before that?” </p><p>Nadia’s breath hastened its pace and she swallowed, not knowing what to expect. Their eyes met, Nadia once again finding worry in Lu’s eyes. </p><p>“I’m not deaf. Do you really think I can’t hear you every morning?” </p><p>Nadia made and attempt to move her curls out of her face with her palm eventually ending up on her forehead. </p><p>“I’m stressed out, okay? We’ve been given this amazing opportunity for education and I’m scared I’m going to fail. I’m scared I’m going let everyone down.” </p><p>Lu’s face softened but she was clearly unhappy with the answer Nadia had given her. She was entirely expecting to hear a critical reply, but Lu chose to grab Nadia’s hand instead, helping her up.</p><p>
  <i>Maybe she knew about Guzman? Maybe they still talked? </i>
</p><p>Nadia moved towards the living room with careful steps, still feeling weak, and settled on the couch. She reached into her pocket, taking out her phone. Lu had found a place to sit at the kitchen table. She was also on her phone, clearly engaged in conversation. Nadia felt her phone buzz.</p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(7:52): heyyy</p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(7:53): i had a great time with you yesterday… when can i see you again? outside of class</p><p>Nadia sighed, closed her eyes and leaned back. She didn’t have the energy to answer, she could do that later. She continued her passive journey through the social media apps on her phone until she found herself on Snapchat. She tapped on the story of someone she had talked to maybe once or twice, not expecting to find anything interesting. </p><p>She stared at her phone screen, eyes locked, suddenly not being able to breathe. He was dancing, then he wasn’t, then he was kissing someone. Nadia didn’t register the disco lights, or Ander running into the frame just before the video’s end. He was kissing someone else. He was kissing someone else. He was kissing-</p><p>“Nadia.” Lu called out, maybe for the third time, interrupting Nadia’s thoughts. “Do you mind if a few guys come over this weekend?” </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Do you mind if a few people come of this weekend?”</p><p>“Yeah.” </p><p>“So you <i>do</i> mind?” Lu asked, now focused on Nadia, eyebrows furrowed with concern.</p><p>“What?” Nadia said, her eyes directed at the wall in front of her, her gaze nowhere near Lu.</p><p>
  <i>Why was he kissing someone else? Why would he kiss someone else? Why did she feel like crying? Why did he look so happy when she felt like shit without him?</i>
</p><p>“People. Are. Coming. Over. This. Weekend.” Lu repeated, enunciating every word with force. </p><p>Nadia’s eyes had now travelled across the room, finding Lu.</p><p>“Okay.” Nadia replied with what she hoped was a stoic expression. </p><p>She looked back at her phone, opened Hakeem’s messages, and held back all the emotions she wanted to express. </p><p><b>Nadia</b>(8:05): how about tomorrow?</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>
<b>10 hours earlier</b></p><p>Ander was drunk. <i>Life was really fucking great.</i> He spun around on the dance floor, eyes fixed on the ceiling and the lights. Then his eyes darted across the room, it was filled with people tonight. </p><p>All he wanted to do was dance, to live his life. To not give a fuck.</p><p>With Omar home, the only drinking buddy he had was Guzman, but Ander wasn’t sure he should be drinking.</p><p> <i>Maybe he should be watching over Guzman.</i></p><p>He attempted to scan the room for him, but it felt more difficult somehow. He stumbled towards a chair close by and managed to sit down. They’d come in together just two hours ago. How had he already lost him? </p><p><i>Should he yell out Guzman’s name?</i> </p><p>Ander’s eyes once again examined the club around him, this time stopping on Guzman.</p><p>
  <i>Finally.</i>
</p><p>He was sitting on a barstool with a drink in hand and, to Ander’s surprise, talking to a man he’d never seen before. The man didn’t look very nice to Ander. His blond, curly, hair framed a stern and cold face. Why would Guzman be talking to him? Guzman had been unwilling to talk to his friends lately, let alone strangers at clubs. Ander pushed himself up from the chair he’d fallen into and started walking towards Guzman and the mystery man. </p><p>Ander then proceeded to look back at the bar only to find Guzman and the man to no longer be there. They stood next to each other at the entrance to the backroom, sharing a serious glance before going in together.  </p><p>Ander stopped walking and just stared. Stared at the now empty backroom entrance. He needed to figure this out. The air felt colder. Had the colourful lights been turned off? </p><p><i>He needed to go in.</i> </p><p>And so Ander picked up his pace and made his way to the backroom, determined to go in, he didn’t sway, he didn’t stumble. He even pushed someone out of the way. He opened the curtains with force, now more amped up than ever. He stopped, and once again scanned the room, feeling his heart sink in the process. </p><p>Ander would have rather been surprised but there he was, leaning over the table decorated with thin white lines. The man watched Guzman intently for a while, then he slowly raised his head to give Ander the same intense look. He didn’t want Ander there, that was clear. </p><p>“Guzman.” Ander spoke, so quiet it was almost a whisper. </p><p>But Guzman wouldn’t look at Ander until he was done. </p><p>“I need another drink.” Guzman stated, breaking the silence after what felt like three hours.</p><p>Guzman moved past Ander, bumping into him on the way out. Ander followed him to the bar, slowly deciding it was best not to say anything. </p><p>But Guzman drank. Went back to the room. And drank. </p><p>Hours, Ander didn’t know how many, had gone by. Guzman was walking towards the dance floor with surprisingly steady steps, his eyes fixated on one girl. It took Ander a few seconds to realize what was happening. But when he did, he jumped up and marched into the crowd to separate them. </p><p>“Guzman!” Ander screamed, louder than he should have. “You’re high.” </p><p>Time had stopped. Guzman’s eyes were no longer glassy, but full of something. Ander didn’t what it was and he didn’t dare to ask. The music was louder, the lights were back, now too bright. Ander could feel his heart trying to jump out of his chest. He was full of adrenaline. </p><p>Then there was a loud thump as Guzman collapsed onto the floor.</p><p><i>Should he have called Nadia? Should he have called her like Guzman asked?</i><br/>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p><b>Lu</b>(8:36): why would you let him do something like that with all that’s happening now?</p><p><b>Omar</b>(8:45): ????</p><p><b>Lu</b>(8:53): hasn’t nadia told you??</p><p><b>Omar</b>(8:53): about what??</p><p><b>Lu</b>(8:56): why would she not tell you</p><p><b>Lu</b>(8:56): omg</p><p><b>Lu</b>(8:57): does <i>she</i> not know yet</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading :) (and sorry for how jumpy this chapter is with the timeline)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Guzman sat on the floor in a room he had not been in before. The floor was hard and uncomfortable, not something to be sat on. He felt heavy and uneasy as he examined his surroundings, nothing around him made sense. Everything was hazy, unclear and unfamiliar. The only real things he could point out were a few pieces of furniture in an otherwise empty space. How had he ended up in this room? His thoughts were clouded; he couldn’t remember anything. </p><p>He closed his eyes, hoping it was a dream, hoping he would wake up after he opened them. He kept his eyes closed for a while, only opening them after he heard a sound, a real sound, from something close by. </p><p>He scanned the room, his eyes landing on something new, a small child sitting by the couch. The child had dark curly hair and a familiar expression on her face. How could a face he’d never seen before be so familiar? Guzman thought the child should have been more alarmed by him, but she was calm, not even focused on Guzman. </p><p>She had placed her hands on the table next to the couch and started pulling herself up. Once up, she finally looked at Guzman, smiling a little. She looked happy to see him. </p><p>She took her first tentative step forward. Another step, and another one, now carefully making her way towards Guzman.</p><p>Guzman followed each step carefully until she reached her destination. She smiled again as she stood there, in front of him, struggling to balance herself. He was worried. Would she fall down and hurt herself? What would he do then? With that thought, he reached out to the girl held her up to prevent her from falling. The girl moved closer to him, falling down on his lap. </p><p>“Where are your parents?” Guzman asked, not sure he would get an answer. </p><p>And he didn’t. Instead, the girl stared, like she found his words strange.</p><p>
  <i>How was he supposed to find her parents if she didn’t know how to speak?</i>
</p><p>He decided he should explore the place he now believed to be a house. Her parents had to be in another room. He got up, still holding the girl close. She quickly rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. She looked comfortable, like she’d done it many times before, like he’d held her many times before. </p><p>He found that the house wasn’t very big, with only a few other hazy and confusing rooms. He couldn’t see or hear other people, they were completely alone. </p><p>He came to the conclusion that he was babysitting the girl. The house was his and her parents would soon come and get her. But this thought made him anxious, he didn’t want anyone to take her away from him. The anxiety flooded him with more uncomfortable confusion. He didn’t even know her. She was someone else’s child.  He had to ignore everything he felt and continue his search for something that was understandable. </p><p><i>Where would he go next? He’d been to all the rooms, right?</i> </p><p>After this thought, he found himself in a new room. The only problem was that he didn't know how he’d ended up there. He looked around the new room, discovering a sudden rush of tranquility. The room was clearer than the other rooms, it made sense. He believed it was a kitchen, a normal, regular, kitchen. He opened the fridge and then some of the cabinets. There was baby food everywhere. </p><p>The girl raised her head up and pointed towards one of the cabinets, babbling something unintelligible in the process. She was hungry. Guzman opened the cabinet, taking something out to give her. </p><p>They were interrupted by a loud ringing sound. Guzman was startled but the child remained unfazed. She had expected this. </p><p>Guzman decided he had to leave the kitchen to inspect the sound. </p><p>It rang again. This time Guzman was sure it was the doorbell. He carefully opened the door to reveal a woman. Someone Guzman had expected.</p><p>She smiled gently, the same way the little girl had. </p><p>She was there to end it. That’s why it started with her. She was the first to fade away, slowly losing color and then leaving completely. Then it was the walls, the door and the hallway. And finally, the little girl disappeared. He was left with nothing.  </p><p>He was awake.</p><p>The bed Guzman was lying on felt foreign. The pillow under his head felt uncomfortable and he was cold, shivering. Eyes still closed, he reached out for a blanket that he could cover himself with, but there didn't seem to be one near him. It was dead silent, unusual, something was very wrong. He felt it. He knew he’d dreamed of something, Nadia had of course been there, but he’d met someone else too. He wished he could remember who.</p><p>A sudden burst of light accompanied by a sound too loud prompted him to open his eyes. Everything was just bright at first, then he noticed a figure by the window. Eyes still getting used to the light, he attempted to attach a name to this mystery person. He couldn’t. </p><p>Guzman was pleasantly surprised by the warmth provided by the newly uncovered sun. It helped him think clearer. He turned his head to look back at the ceiling, realizing that the true reason behind his discomfort wasn’t the pillow. Instead, he had a pounding headache that radiated to other parts of his body in regular waves. </p><p>The figure had left the room quietly, a move that had gone unnoticed by Guzman. He attributed this lack of attention to his worsening pain. In an attempt to relieve the it, he brought the tips of his fingers to his temple and started to massage slowly.  He couldn’t think properly with this pain which was inconvenient as he wanted to remember things from the night before. These memories were blurry and unreachable, painstakingly far from his grasp. He could faintly remember lights of different colors, unnerving sounds, and guilt. Guilt almost as painful as his headache. </p><p>“I have a glass of water for you.” A familiar voice said. </p><p>This voice came from a man standing in the doorway.</p><p> “How are you?” </p><p>Guzman didn’t answer, but he could finally recognize who it was. </p><p>“Uh, I’m sorry for separating you from that girl last night. I don’t know if that caused you to fall or if you were blacking out anyway, but I’m sorry. It’s just that I knew what you’d taken, and I guess I thought about Nadia, and you, and you and Nadia. I don’t think you would’ve kissed her if you’d been sober. You were pretty fucked up.” Ander nervously explained.</p><p>Guzman stayed silent as he processed Ander’s words.</p><p>“Fuck.” </p><p>
  <i>It was fine. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>But it wasn’t.</i>
</p><p>It wasn’t. It wasn’t, because Guzman was never going to stop loving Nadia. Trying to drown his feelings with someone else would never work. He would feel guilty with every girl that wasn’t her. He would feel guilty because of something that didn’t exist and would never exist again. And alcohol only made the guilt worse. Alcohol twisted it, made it less controllable, harder to forget. </p><p>He needed to accept that. </p><p>“We’re not together anymore.” Guzman said. “We haven’t been together for a while.”</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>A cloud of smoke appeared in Nadia’s and Lu’s living room. The smoker, one of Lu’s Mexican friends from her classes, sat himself next to Nadia. They hadn’t talked much before but he had this unmovable smile with no apparent cause, a smile that put most people at ease. They sat in silence, waiting for Lu to come back. </p><p>Nadia hated moments like these, especially now. When time was reluctant to pass, that was when she thought about things she didn’t want to think about. The video was still on her mind, playing in moments like these. She didn’t know why. She’d already decided she was going to move on. The way he had. With another girl.</p><p>The smoker calmly sipped his coffee, the cigarette still in hand. He seemed to be looking for ways to end the silence.</p><p>“Do you want-” The smoker asked, finishing the question with a gesture.</p><p>“No.” Nadia replied. “Thanks.” </p><p>The smoker nodded, satisfied with her answer. </p><p>The front door opened and Lu walked in with a shopping bag in hand. Her smile turned sour once she saw what her friend was doing. The bag dropped to the floor.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Lu questioned, violently grabbing Nadia’s arm and dragging her away from him. “Why are you smoking here?”</p><p>Nadia was confused, Lu had never minded people smoking inside before.</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t know it was a problem.” The smoker responded defensively, equally as confused as Nadia. </p><p>“Well, put it out.”</p><p>The smoker did as he was told and was left awkwardly standing in front of them, awaiting for more instructions. When the instructions didn’t come, he decided it was better to say goodbye.</p><p>“I’m gonna go.” The smoker spoke. “It was nice catching up with you, Nadia.”</p><p>Nadia nodded and the smoker exited quickly, shaking his head on the way out. </p><p>“Have you thought about going to see the doctor about your nausea already?” Lu questioned, voice as stern as it had been a second before and head now turned towards Nadia. “You go in and tell them you feel sick and walk out with a prescription for nausea pills. Your life will be so much easier. Trust me.” </p><p>Nadia rolled her eyes and didn’t answer. Lu had been bothering her about this for awhile now. She had thought about it but she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. </p><p>“It’ll be easier to study.” </p><p>Nadia didn’t want to admit it but Lu was right. It made studying hard sometimes and it wasn’t like she would miss feeling unwell when that feeling was gone. Maybe this was a good idea after all?</p><p>“If I book a time, will you stop bothering me?” Nadia asked finally. </p><p>“Never.” </p><p>Nadia rolled her eyes again, now deeply questioning her life choices. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p><b>Omar</b>(11:54): im sorry i cant come to new york to see you. at least youre coming home for winter break, right?</p><p><b>Nadia</b>(11:58): of course. why were you coming to new york?</p><p><b>Omar</b>(11:59): lu asked me to</p><p><b>Nadia</b>(11:59): ???</p><p>Ander had told Omar about the break up and he suspected that to be reason behind Lu’s invitation to New York. It felt strange to worry about her like this, it was usually Nadia who was worried about him. </p><p>Omar wasn’t convinced about everything. Guzman looked horrible, he couldn’t concentrate in class and he wouldn’t talk to his friends about it. There had to be something below the surface, something had to have happened. But Nadia wasn’t going to tell him unless he confronted her face-to-face. She was too used to dealing with things by herself.</p><p> He didn’t know what to do. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>The light above Nadia flickered anxiously as she sat waiting for her name to be called. Her doctor was late, but she didn’t mind. This gave her time to think. She was going to go in, explain her symptoms, and get the prescription. There was nothing to worry about. Lu was right. It was a regular visit and it was going to be fine. The doctor wasn’t going to ask anything unnecessary. </p><p>
  <i>Why did she feel so nervous?</i>
</p><p>She needed to calm down, but calming down was hard when she could feel the uneasiness starting to bubble at the bottom of her stomach. It had been a persistent feature in her life for a while now, an unfortunate reminder of everything that was happening. </p><p>“Shanaa.” Someone called out. “Dr. Kent will see you now.”</p><p>Nadia got up, breathed in and started walking towards her doctor’s room. </p><p>Once Nadia was inside she noticed that the person on the other side of her desk was a woman in her early thirties. A strange wave of ease filled her. At least she didn’t have to explain anything to a middle aged man. </p><p>“Hi.” </p><p>“Hi.” Nadia replied, sitting down on one of the chairs.</p><p>She explained how sick she felt and how it hindered her studying. She did her very best trying to convince the doctor it was because of the stress, but it didn’t seem to be working. The doctor listened patiently, perhaps sensing that Nadia was leaving certain details out of her well rehearsed story. After the story had been told in its entirety, the doctor, not saying anything, glanced at Nadia, adjusted her seat and wrote something down. Nadia waited eagerly for the uncomfortable silence to be broken, but she would soon feel stupid for every hoping that. </p><p>“Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?” </p><p>
  <i>No. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Of course not.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Why would she ask that? </i>
</p><p>“No.”  Nadia answered quietly. “I don’t think so.”</p><p>The doctor nodded, clearly unconvinced. But Nadia was fine. She couldn't be pregnant. She was fine. </p><p>“Well.” Dr. Kent finally said. “I’m going to write you that prescription.”</p><p>Nadia sighed with relief. That's what she had come in there for, she didn't need to worry about the rest./p&gt;

</p><p>“But I suggest you get a test as well, just to confirm you aren’t pregnant.” She continued. “You’ll feel better knowing for sure.” </p><p>Nadia took the prescription without responding. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>As she stepped in through the door, Nadia realised she had chosen the right pharmacy. It was almost empty. She didn’t want to bump into someone she knew. </p><p>She made her way to the counter, hoping this particular pharmacy carried her pills.</p><p>They did. She was done now. </p><p>She had intended to walk straight out and go home. That was the plan, the plan she should’ve kept with. Instead, she was now staring at the variety of pregnancy tests the pharmacy had. </p><p>
  <i>This was so stupid.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But maybe.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Just in case.</i>
</p><p>Now a test in one hand, she felt grateful for how empty the pharmacy was again. That was until- </p><p>“Hi Nadia.” </p><p>These words were spoken by a familiar voice. Nadia looked up to see Hakeem smiling on the aisle next to her. </p><p>
  <i>Fuck. How would she explain this?</i>
</p><p>“Funny seeing you here.” He continued, now walking towards Nadia. </p><p>Nadia couldn’t speak and Hakeem’s eyes had now met the test in her hand. He wasn’t able to hide his confusion. </p><p>
  <i>She needed to say something, anything would work.</i>
</p><p>“My friend thinks she’s pregnant.” She clarified, hoping he couldn’t hear how anxious she was. “She asked me to buy a test for her.” </p><p>“Oh. That makes sense.” Hakeem said. “How stupid is your friend, huh?”</p><p>He was trying to lighten the mood, but Nadia couldn’t bring herself to laugh. She felt numb.  </p><p>“I was just joking.” Hakeem added, not smiling anymore. </p><p>She needed to leave, she needed to get out of this situation. She couldn't do this anymore. </p><p>“I'm sorry, I need to go.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Winter break was getting dangerously close. </p><p>Too close.</p><p>As a result of this and other things, Nadia had become quiet and anxious, eating even less, staying awake until early hours of the morning. She had deep, dark circles under her eyes to account for the sleep deprivation and a collection of unanswered messages on her phone to show for her attempts at complete isolation. Lu was one of the only people she would talk to, and that was only because she was impossible to avoid. Despite all this, Nadia would still try to pretend she was okay, faking smiles, even laughing while hiding her feelings behind loose clothing. Lu would have found all this a lot more disturbing if she didn’t know what was going on. Still, she thought Nadia would have told her by now. </p><p>Lu was frustrated. Their conversations were empty, filled with nothing of substance. The only acceptable topics for discussion seemed to be weather and studying. </p><p>Lu wanted a confession. </p><p>
  <i>And she would get one.</i>
</p><p>All she needed to do was finding something incriminating.</p><p>Naturally, Nadia’s room was the best place to start looking. With Nadia away getting groceries, it was the perfect time too. </p><p>Lu stepped inside, first paying attention to the naked, pale walls. Nadia had taken down all pictures of friends and family she’d previously had on display. The bed hadn’t been made and a number of spare papers were scattered across the room. Drawers had been left open, along with the window that was letting in a cold, uncomfortable breeze. It wasn’t a controlled chaos, but a result of a magnificent storm. It didn’t look like Nadia’s room anymore.  </p><p>Lu decided to start with Nadia’s wardrobe. Its doors were already open for inspection. Once she looked inside, Lu discovered what seemed to be the only organised portion of her room. Clothes had been neatly placed in their places, everything was were it was supposed to be. Nadia’s new collection of incredibly oversized hoodies was easily reachable. </p><p>Lu prodded around a bit, not wanting to disturb the order of things and make Nadia annoyed before it was the time to do that. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to be out of place, nothing had been hidden anywhere. It was an ordinary wardrobe with no evidence. </p><p>Lu left the wardrobe open, hoping it was the way Nadia had left it. She turned her gaze at the mess the bed had been left in. </p><p>
  <i>Maybe Nadia was stupid enough to hide things under her bed?</i>
</p><p>Alas, she wasn’t. Lu could find nothing but an astronomical amount of dust. The room clearly needed to be vacuumed.</p><p>She continued her search, looking into one of the open drawers. It was full of official looking papers, stuffed in carelessly and accompanied by useless objects. Lu sighed, realising there was nothing of value. She needed to continue with the next drawer. As she was closing the first drawer to see in to the second one better, she saw a splash of color peek through the pile of papers. </p><p>She reached in, pulling out a yellow box. She had found her evidence, an unopened box carrying a pregnancy test. </p><p>
  But why was it unopened? Had Nadia not done a test yet?
</p><p>With this thought, Lu heard the front door open and a quiet “hi” come out of Nadia. </p><p>
  <i>Fuck. She couldn’t confront her now. She needed to think of what to say first.</i>
</p><p>Lu quickly placed the box back in and stormed out of Nadia’s room and locking herself in the bathroom. She needed to calm down, go back in tomorrow and make Nadia talk. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>It was a bedroom this time, a rather small bedroom. The large window had been covered by deep blue curtains, a small lamp by the bed being the only source of light in the room. It was nighttime. </p><p>Guzman wasn’t alone in the room. Nadia lay on one side of the bed, on top of the covers, reading a book. She looked beautiful. </p><p>“Hey.” Guzman spoke quietly, smiling a little. </p><p>He didn’t get an answer. Instead, she continued reading as if she’d heard nothing. </p><p>“Hey.” He repeated. </p><p>She couldn’t hear him. </p><p>
  <i>It was one of these again.</i>
</p><p>He would have to watch her for a while, then he would wake up and feel like shit. </p><p>
  <i>Maybe he could close his eyes. Could he do that in a dream?</i>
</p><p>The door opened. A small figure walked in. A small girl. A girl he’s seen before, somewhere, somehow. </p><p>“What is it?” Nadia asked, putting down her book, worry filling her eyes.</p><p>“I want to see him.” </p><p>
  The girl could talk now.
</p><p>She climbed on to the bed, making her way to Nadia. Nadia hugged her, holding her tight and placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. </p><p>“He’ll be right back. Like he promised.” Nadia said. </p><p>“When?” </p><p>Something was wrong but Guzman couldn’t tell what. The girl was older now, maybe around four, and more familiar. It made him feel uneasy. She had the same unruly curls she'd had before. </p><p>They were Nadia’s, so was her nose. </p><p>But her eyes weren’t. </p><p>They were his. </p><p>Her expressions were his too. </p><p>
  <i>She’d stolen them from him. That was the only reasonable explanation. He didn’t want to be there anymore, in the same room as this thief.</i>
</p><p>And so, he got his wish. Sunlight hit his eyes with urgency, waking him up. </p><p>It was Friday and winter break was getting closer. Nadia was coming back from New York. Lu was coming back too. He would probably see them again. He didn’t want to.</p><p>
  But he really wanted to see her.
</p><p>He’d thought about this for the past week, uninterrupted. He had to stop. It was getting too agonizing to sustain a thought process like this.  </p><p>He needed a girl, someone he could use as a shield for when they were back. An outsider, just for the holidays. </p><p>The club wasn’t the best place to start looking in, but it was something. It wasn’t like he could do this sober. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>
 There was no way she could be pregnant, no way.
</p><p>
 It was impossible and she would prove it with the test, the test she’d left untouched for too long. It was all going to be okay, because she wasn’t pregnant. 
</p><p>Nadia sat on the floor of her bedroom, staring at the unopened box with wide eyes. She was tired of worrying about this. She would prove everything was fine. She could start eating again, she was fine. Everything was fine. </p><p>
  <i>Stress made lots of people gain weight, right?</i>
</p><p>Lu had mysteriously locked herself in the bathroom the minute Nadia had come back from the shop. </p><p>But Nadia could wait. She would go in after her. </p><p>And so she waited, time passing painfully slow. When she finally heard the lock turn, her heart quickly dropped to her stomach. </p><p>She got up, taking tentative steps towards the door, hoping Lu had gone into her own room. </p><p>Once the door had been opened, she hastened her pace, not wasting time to scout out for Lu. </p><p>She locked the bathroom door behind her and fell to the ground, her back against the door. Her heart wanted to escape her chest. Nadia feared it beat so loud Lu would hear and come knocking on the door. The last thing she wanted. </p><p>Hands shaking, she opened the box and scanned the instructions. </p><p>After a few minutes, Nadia managed to get herself on the toilet. She found herself praying for the first time in ages. </p><p>And so she waited, hoping for a conclusive answer that would not worsen her already anxious state. </p><p>She kept her eyes closed for a while, not daring to look, still praying. Finally, she slowly opened her eyes, looking at what were two red lines. </p><p>
  What was that supposed to mean? And how could lines stare back like that?
</p><p>Nadia’s hands still shaking, she picked up the instructions again, now turning her gaze to the section about results. </p><p>Time stopped existing for Nadia. She froze. She didn’t notice the instructions dropping out of her hands, or that her phone was buzzing with messages from someone desperate to talk to her.</p><p> Finally realizing what was happening, she covered her mouth to stop herself from making noise, her eyes filling up with painful tears. She sat down again, gulping down sobs, attempting to calm herself so that Lu wouldn’t hear her. </p><p>
  She needed to calm down, Lu couldn’t find out. Not this. No one could know.
</p><p>Her phone was ringing now, too loudly, at exactly the wrong moment. </p><p>Omar’s name flashed on the screen that was too bright. </p><p>
  <i>She would pick up, say hi, pretend everything was normal. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Everything was fine.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Her classes were going great.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She wasn’t crying, it was that allergy she had. Right? </i>
</p><p>Nadia picked up the phone, bringing it to her ear, tears running down her cheek like they were in a race to tell everyone she knew. </p><p>
 Everything was fine. 
</p><p>“Hi.” Nadia said quietly, her voice too shaky to carry anything that even resembled confidence. </p><p>“Nadia, are you okay?” Omar asked.</p><p>“Yeah.” Nadia replied, her voice even more shaky, no longer able to cover the fact that she was crying. “I’m fine.”</p><p>“No you’re not. Tell me what’s going on.” </p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>“Come on, Nadia. I know you’re crying. You haven’t answered my calls or my messages. You haven’t answered Samuel’s messages. You haven’t answered anyone lately.” </p><p>“I’m fine. I’m just a little tired.”</p><p>“I want to help you.” Omar spoke, more quiet this time.</p><p>And Nadia broke down.  </p><p>
 Why was the bathroom light so bright? Why was the floor so cold?
</p><p>Everything was not okay anymore.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Lu knew what to do now. Nadia was in the bathroom, had been for awhile now so Lu had her chance. She could quickly go into her room, retrieve the test and interrogate Nadia. </p><p>And they would finally get this all out and into the open like Lu had prepared.</p><p>She opened her door and walked towards Nadia’s door with determination and a sneaky smile on her face. </p><p>To her surprise the drawer was no longer wide open but only slightly ajar. Like Nadia had pushed it in, like she had taken something out and then attempted to close it. She opened it once again, moving the papers around, making it an even bigger mess. She didn’t need to be careful this time. </p><p>But there was nothing there. The box had disappeared. </p><p>
  <i>Where could it have gone?</i>
</p><p>Lu’s eyes widened as she slowly gathered herself. She made her way to the bathroom door in a hurry, but stopping herself before knocking. </p><p>She could hear quiet sobs and soft words coming from Nadia. It sounded like she was scared to death and she deserved space, to be left alone. </p><p>Lu stayed behind the door for a bit, not because she wanted to eavesdrop, but because she couldn’t move. She hadn’t thought about what it meant for Nadia. Nadia was all alone, pregnant, across the ocean; away from her family. Her family that actually cared. </p><p>Lu knew it was her cue to leave after hearing Nadia whisper the words to someone. At least someone knew, Lu hoped it was Guzman.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Guzman was officially the biggest asshole Omar knew.</p><p>Maybe Nadia had come to terms with it, but that didn’t make it okay. Omar needed to tell him, Guzman needed to know what he was. He needed to know how he’d hurt Nadia. How he was leaving her all alone. And why? Did he not care? Could he not stomach the thought of having responsibility for once in his life?</p><p>
  <i>Rich kids were all the fucking same.</i>
</p><p>Omar wanted Nadia to be angry, she had every right to. Why was she okay with being hurt like this? </p><p>Omar needed to be quick, he wanted to talk to Guzman now. He thought about his options. Texting Guzman wasn’t good enough, this had to be said face to face. </p><p>
  <i>Where would he find Guzman?</i>
</p><p>As he was marking down the shop's last order for the day, his phone buzzed in his pocket, bringing him the information he needed. </p><p><b>Ander</b>(1.24): heyyyyyy at the club with guzman. can you come here ;)</p><p>
  <i>So he would do it at the club.</i>
</p><p><b>Ander</b>(1.25): i know youre not studying</p><p><b>Omar</b>(1.26): ill be there</p><p>He didn’t want to waste time so he walked out of the shop quickly and began making his way to the club. He didn’t know what would happen, but something did have to happen, that was clear.</p><p>Fueled by adrenaline, it didn’t feel like a long trip at all and he was soon at the club, storming through the front door. </p><p>It was loud as usual, packed with people who wanted to do nothing but drink and dance. </p><p>
  <i>And be an obstacle for Omar apparently.</i>
</p><p>He couldn’t see anything past the people at the front. Ander and Guzman were out of his reach.</p><p>He decided he would try to walk to the bar and then text Ander. That seemed like the smartest thing to do. </p><p>He walked into the crowd, instantly regretting his decision. The people seemed to want to stop him every few seconds, moving in front of him or otherwise blocking his way. </p><p>
  <i>It became more and more clear that he needed a drink.</i>
</p><p>Half way through, he noticed a familiar figure at the bar, drink in hand and already kind of tipsy. </p><p>They noticed each other, Ander’s eyes lighting up. </p><p>“Omar!” Ander called out, moving closer to him and grabbing him by the shoulders. </p><p>Ander’s lips met his, and with that he felt his heart beat slower, calmer. He was more steady, Ander had that effect on him. </p><p>“Can I drink this?” Omar asked, pointing at the untouched drink in Ander’s hand.</p><p>Ander nodded, but didn’t hide his confusion. </p><p>“Are you okay?” </p><p>It was Omar’s turn to nod. </p><p>“Have you seen Guzman?” Omar asked.</p><p>“Disappeared with a girl a few minutes ago.”</p><p>Omar sighed and looked at the crowd once more. Ander was right, he wasn’t there. Maybe this was good, it gave Omar time to get another drink. </p><p>That’s what he did. And when Guzman still didn’t turn up, he got another one. </p><p>Some time passed. Omar didn’t know how long he’d stood by the bar and Ander knew much less. Omar seemed to forgot about Guzman for a while. </p><p>His memory was refreshed after the fourth or fifth shot. </p><p>Guzman pushed through the crowd with an unfamiliar girl, landing in front of him and Ander. </p><p>
  <i>Guzman really didn’t care. </i>
</p><p>Omar waited for a moment, gathering his thoughts as much as he could before going in. He was angry, angrier than he should’ve been. </p><p>Without more thought, he approached them, violently separating Guzman from the girl. </p><p>“What the fuck is wrong with you, bro?” Omar questioned loudly, now facing Guzman. </p><p>“Why did you do that?” Guzman replied, equally as aggressively and loudly. </p><p>The girl he’d been attached to was now quickly moving away. </p><p>Ander was looking at them, more confused, and perhaps unsure of whether he should intervene.  </p><p>“What gave you the idea that you could treat my sister like that?” </p><p>“What the fuck are you talking about? We broke up. I didn’t do anything to her.” </p><p>Guzman’s voice faltered with his last words. To Omar, this was a  clear display of culpability. </p><p>He was lying.</p><p>Still, Omar was bemused. Guzman’s reaction was strange. He thought he would’ve heard some stupid excuse like that he wasn’t ready or that they lived so far away, they could never raise a child together. Was he playing dumb? </p><p>“Get her pregnant and then tell her to fuck off, huh? I guess now you’re free to fuck other girls and act like the big man you are.” </p><p>Omar stumbled a little, pushing Guzman back with more strength than he’d intended to. </p><p>
  <i>Fuck, he shouldn’t have drank this much.</i>
</p><p>But Guzman stayed put, not moving from his place. His eyes were fixed on Omar only. He was frozen, still, but not calm. Instead, Omar could see fear rushing over him. </p><p>“What do you mean?” Guzman asked, lowering his volume, now almost too quiet for Omar to hear. </p><p>“You’re an asshole.” </p><p>“What did you say about Nadia?”  </p><p>Omar stared back at him, confused by the question, confused by Guzman. </p><p>
  <i>What the fuck did that mean? He had to know what he’d done. Nadia had to have told him. Right?</i>
</p><p>“You should be glad Nadia isn’t angry with you. She should be, she’s the one who’s having a baby alone.”</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>This was it, this was what she had to deal with. </p><p>Nadia was on her bed, eyes red from crying, still awake, but wanting to fall asleep. Her head was spinning, a million thoughts running around, interrupting any attempts at sleep. </p><p>Omar knew now. He’d promised not to do anything stupid, like talk to Guzman. Nadia hoped he would keep this promise. She didn’t want Guzman to know. </p><p>But she also couldn’t stop imagining situations where he knew.</p><p>Nadia got up from her bed, her feet quickly touching the floor and ending up next to her wardrobe. Her eyes were on one sweatshirt, hidden away behind some other clothing. It was a shirt that had previously belonged to Guzman before it had ended up in Nadia’s luggage. She shouldn’t have touched the shirt. She shouldn’t have taken the shirt out. She shouldn’t have taken the shirt she had been wearing off. Her hands shouldn’t have landed on her stomach, the place she’d avoided touching for many weeks now. </p><p>She knew this wasn’t where she should have been getting her comfort from, but she put the shirt on anyway.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Guzman’s hands were shaking and his heart was beating too fast. He was still drunk, too drunk to handle something like this. His thoughts were scattered, split into many sections, all of them bad, all of them involving Nadia. </p><p>He’d fled the fight with Omar. He was outside in the cold with his phone out. He had to send her a message.</p><p>
  Nothing was okay, because Nadia wasn’t okay. And she wasn’t okay because of him. 
</p><p>Guzman typed out different messages, none of them good enough. </p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.14): i need to talk to you <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.15): call me?? <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.15): nadia we need to talk <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.17): we have to talk about stuff <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.17): i know <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.18): can i call you? <b>[Unsent]</b></p><p><b>Guzman</b>(4.21): i love you <b>[Almost sent]</b></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for all the nice comments on previous chapters! hope you guys enjoyed this chapter as well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nadia sat on the floor in front of her bedroom mirror, legs crossed, staring at her reflection with concern. One hand was rested on her bump and the other was reaching for the glass of water sitting next to her. Her eyes tired out by tears, she wasn’t sure what to think. Everything felt foreign, but she was getting used to it - a frightening combination. She knew she was lucky she could still hide everything with loose clothing but still acutely aware that the possibility for that would soon pass. And the hiding was getting tiring, she needed to come up with a plan. A way for Guzman to not find out. </p><p>They were flying back to Spain tomorrow. It was too soon, Nadia hadn’t yet figured out how to stop crying. And being in Spain, near everyone, near her family, would surely make it worse. She didn’t want her parents to know. </p><p>Omar, on the other hand, would now send her messages regularly, messages he expected to get answers to. So she tried to answer, even when it was difficult. Nadia didn’t want him to worry, not now or ever. This was her problem and hers only.</p><p>There was a gentle knock on the door, Lu wanted something. Nadia quickly threw on one of her hoodies and told Lu to come in. </p><p>“You left your phone in the bathroom. Hakeem is calling you, whoever that is.” Lu said, offering the phone to Nadia. </p><p>Nadia took the phone and silenced it. Hakeem was the last person she needed to talk to. </p><p>Lu had acted strange recently, not bothering Nadia like she normally did and otherwise treating her like she was made of glass and constantly on the verge of breaking.</p><p>But now she’d stayed, leaning on the doorframe, looking over at Nadia with her piercing brown eyes. </p><p>“Who’s Hakeem?” </p><p>“Someone I went on a couple of dates with.” Nadia responded, not looking back at Lu. </p><p>Lu looked surprised.</p><p>“Really? Dates?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Nadia replied, her voice colored with annoyance. “I’m allowed to date people, aren’t I?”</p><p>“I guess you are.” Lu said, sighing and slowly closing the door between them. “Remember to pack.”</p><p>When the door was finally closed, Nadia unlocked her phone to find dozen unanswered messages from Hakeem. They were from a longer period of time but it was still, in Nadia’s opinion, what one could call desperate. </p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(10:12): heyyy we haven’t talked for a while</p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(10:15): are you still there?</p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(10:16): no classes now, we could go and have some more tea? ;)</p><p>Nadia felt guilty. Clearly, she’d been selfishly leading him on, offering something she couldn’t give him. And it had worked. She needed to cut this relationship off before it was too late. It was too much.</p><p><b>Nadia</b>(11:34): im flying back to spain soon so i won’t be in new york for a while</p><p>Nadia hesitated, then deciding it was for the best. </p><p><b>Nadia</b>(11:35): and im pregnant </p><p>That would definitely work. She would get an “oh. ok” back from him and this mess would be sorted out, one less mess to deal with. </p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(11:36): i figured.</p><p>
  <i>What?</i>
</p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(11:36): i knew after meeting you at the pharmacy. you’re not great at the lying thing.  </p><p><b>Hakeem</b>(11:37): so you’re going with adoption then?</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Nothing had changed. The curtains were still an ugly grey, the carpets were still the same hue of red. Nadia’s parents still carried the same worried expression on their faces. She found it unnerving, the whole situation was unnerving. </p><p>But then, why would have things changed? She hadn’t been gone for that long. Even if it felt like she’d been in away for five years. </p><p>Lu had decided to spend a few more days in New York, leaving Nadia to fly back on her own. She preferred this as it gave her time to think about things, gather her thoughts before landing in Spain. The airport brought up uncomfortable memories, already threatening to mess with the strategy she had come up with during her flight. </p><p>Omar had come to pick her up.</p><p>They’d sat in silence for the first half of the car ride, only breaking it to make superficial comments about the weather and how school was going. The silence had soon been strange, then unbearable. So, for the second half of the car ride, their conversations were about family and friends, and how school was actually going. Omar told her he was moving in with Ander after school would finally end, to another town; this time into an apartment of their own. He wanted to stay in Spain. Nadia told him about all the people she’d met, leaving out Hakeem and Lu’s friends. They didn’t touch on Guzman or Nadia being pregnant either, something she was grateful for. She wasn’t ready for that conversation yet.</p><p>The normality of their conversation had been soothing, something very much needed by the both of them. </p><p>She’d stopped replying to Hakeem again, feeling uncomfortable after his comments about adoption. However sensible they were, she didn’t want to think about it, she didn’t want to think about anything. About Guzman, about the baby, about Hakeem. That’s why she’d decided to ignore her feelings, hiding away in her parents home for the entirety of winter break, avoiding Guzman and everyone else who didn’t need to be involved. Enough people knew. </p><p>Hugging her parents had felt good, they’d clearly missed her. And she’d missed them. Her mother had cooked her favourite meal, leaving her feeling guilty about wanting to go straight to bed.</p><p>So, she stayed with them. </p><p>Now seated at their kitchen table, across Omar, she felt okay. Tired, but okay. </p><p>“How are your classes going, Nadia?” Yusef asked, sitting down next to her. </p><p>The room was filled by silence again. It felt like an unnecessary but safe question, there to fill the air. There so they didn’t have to talk about other things, like if she’d seen Malick in New York, if she’d talked to Guzman or what had happened last summer. Or even Ander. </p><p>Because despite everything, it was still difficult for Yusef. </p><p>“They’re going well. I really like New York.” </p><p>Nadia wanted to preserve the tension, she wanted to talk about easy things, she wanted to forget. She was only back in Spain to see her parents and Omar, no one else. </p><p>Unfortunately, in the process of breaking the silence that had arrived after Nadia’s answer, Iman broke the tension, in half. </p><p>“How is Ander?” She queried calmly, last to sit at the table that was now filled with food.</p><p>Omar cleared his throat before answering. It sounded like he hadn’t visited for a while.</p><p>“He’s okay.” </p><p>A silence couldn’t follow this, it would be too painful. Nadia decided to continue the interrogation. </p><p>“I forgot to ask, where are you guys moving?” </p><p>Yusef looked at Omar with uneasy eyes. Iman looked at Nadia, then turning her gaze to her son. Panic flashed across Omar’s face. </p><p>
  <i>They didn’t know.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But how was she supposed to know they didn’t know?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He hadn’t told her. </i>
</p><p>“You’re moving away together?” Iman asked, hoping to get some clarity.</p><p>Omar made a split second decision, he didn’t want to talk about it, he wasn’t ready to talk about them officially living together somewhere else or what it meant for his future.</p><p>But Nadia wasn’t ready either. </p><p>“Nadia is pregnant.” Omar blurted out, attempting to remove the attention from himself and placing it on Nadia. </p><p>
  <i>Shit.</i>
</p><p>Iman and Yusef turned to look at her as Omar’s eyes were filling up with regret. </p><p>“Nadia, what is he talking about?” Yusef questioned, his volume matching Omar’s but lacking any uncertainty he had had. </p><p>“I didn’t mean that.” Omar spoke, wanting to take back words he knew would hurt Nadia.</p><p>He was unsuccessful. </p><p>“What did you mean then?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Omar answered, his voice wavering with every syllable. </p><p>“Nadia?” Iman called. </p><p>Nadia couldn’t talk, but she had to say something. She had to say something quickly.</p><p>“I'm sorry.” Nadia revealed, anxiety filling up the words for her and making her lower lip tremble.  </p><p>Yusef had turned pale. Nadia was sure he would have another stroke if she didn't fix this somehow.</p><p>"But you don't have to worry. We're getting married." Nadia added impatiently, instantly regretting the words she had chosen.</p><p>And with that, her parents looked a little less terrified. </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>
  <b>A few days later:</b>
</p><p>It was almost nine, chilly and a little too quiet. Guzman was walking home, Ander alongside him. He’d had a difficult week. </p><p>He could only think about one thing, how he’d fucked up. There was a reason she’d kept him in the dark about everything. He'd caused it. </p><p>The worst part was that she thought she was alone.</p><p>Guzman had dragged Ander to study with him the past few days, hoping he would somehow forget everything, just for a second. He needed to forget until they could talk face to face. He hated not knowing how to feel, he hated knowing that all he could do was wait. He hated admitting how much he still loved her. </p><p>These thoughts put a disquieting expression on Guzman’s face which prompted Ander to say something. </p><p>“Are you okay?” </p><p>Guzman nodded, avoiding Ander’s eyes.</p><p>“You should talk to Omar.” Ander continued. “Clear things up.” </p><p>“We have nothing to talk about.” Guzman replied curtly. </p><p>Ander looked almost amused in response. </p><p>“You’re having a kid with his sister and you have nothing to talk about?” Ander questioned. “You had a fight with him about it and you have nothing to talk about?” </p><p>Guzman was about to answer when he noticed a familiar face on the other side of the street, stopping him in his tracks. </p><p>“Is that Lu?” </p><p>“Why are you changing the subject?” Ander asked, turning to also look across the street. “Oh shit, it <i>is</i> Lu.”</p><p>Lu was stationary, eyes fixed on her phone. </p><p>“Lu!” Ander called out. </p><p>Lu heard and looked over, smiling at the sight of them.</p><p>“Why did you do that?” Guzman asked quietly, growing more and more annoyed at Ander. </p><p>Then he realized that it was Lu. Lu was in Spain.  </p><p>
  <i>Nadia had to be home too, right?</i>
</p><p>Lu walked over, her eyes brighter with every step. She hugged Ander who was happy to do so but left Guzman alone. </p><p>“Is Nadia here?” </p><p>He didn’t want to waste time. </p><p>Lu stopped smiling, giving Guzman a strange look.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you know whether she’s here or not?” </p><p>He stayed silent, not knowing what to say.</p><p>“Yeah, she’s home. She’s been home for a few days.” Lu answered, worry covering her voice as she realized Guzman truly didn’t know. </p><p>Then Ander asked her something, but the conversation had quickly turned into hazy, muddled up speech that Guzman couldn’t understand. But he didn’t need to. </p><p>It wasn’t important.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a new chapter! this one wasn't written at 4am so im hoping it's a little better than the last one :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun finally peaked in through Guzman’s closed curtains, notifying him that he could get up. It was a pleasant surprise as he’d spent the whole night waiting for the morning to come, restless, not having slept a single minute. </p><p>The price of not sleeping was high, but at least Guzman had a plan now. He knew what he needed to do. </p><p>The Shanaa’s normally opened their shop early in the morning and with Nadia back home, she would likely be there to help out. He would go in and talk to her. Everything would be okay again. Simple as that. </p><p>But it didn’t feel simple. What would he even say? So many things could go wrong. He didn’t know if Nadia had told her parents yet. And if she had, he didn’t know how they had reacted or how they would react to him turning up. What if she didn’t know he knew? Everything could end up worse, he could end up losing her again.</p><p>Guzman tried not to hurry, but he was dressed in a few minutes and ready to leave in another few. If his parents had been home, he would’ve told them he was going out for a run. But they were never home anymore, so he left quietly, without saying a word.  </p><p>The cold air grazed his face as he closed the front door behind him. How had he missed that it was already winter? It was a particularly cold day and the temperature was surely low enough to awake anyone. The sun, however, wasn’t awake yet, but it was slowly making its way up, hopefully providing warmth later on. </p><p>An eerie silence followed Guzman as he started moving away from his house, but it was quickly broken by an unsteady heartbeat. His heart seemed unwilling to calm down, perhaps thinking it was being helpful by trying to break out of his chest. It was an understatement to say he was nervous.</p><p>But at least he finally felt something worth feeling. </p><p>The trip to the shop felt too short. He had expected more time to prepare as he was suddenly made aware that he was on the right street and the shop was no longer but a few minute walk away. </p><p>He feet moved faster than he would have liked and he soon found himself in front of the shop.</p><p>He was right, it was open. </p><p>And Nadia was inside.</p><p>He stayed outside, unable to move a single inch forward, watching. It looked like an argument was going on. Yusef and Iman on one side, Nadia on the other. </p><p>She was wearing clothing that hid everything she wanted to hide from others, maybe from Guzman too. He wasn’t sure.</p><p>He continued watching, his pulse slowing down, guilt storming through the back of his mind.</p><p>
  <i>Maybe he shouldn’t have come.</i>
</p><p>But he stayed put, not walking away when he had the chance to. </p><p>Nadia was still beautiful. Even now, when she was clearly upset, arms crossed and trembling as Yusef continued speaking with his anger-filled eyes. He’d made so many mistakes but leaving Nadia after everything was the worst one of them all. </p><p>And now she had this to deal with.</p><p>Without warning, Nadia turned her gaze away from her parents, looking through the front window, eyes meeting Guzman’s. </p><p>His heart beat faster again as they looked at each other for the first time in months. He thought he’d always been good at reading Nadia’s face, but this time he couldn’t. She had an empty expression, one that told him nothing. </p><p>Nadia was the first to break contact, looking back at her parents, saying something to them and starting to walk towards the door. </p><p>Guzman saw the door open and Nadia look outside, their eyes locking again.</p><p>Neither one spoke until one of them had to.</p><p>“Hey.” Guzman said quietly, now holding the door open for Nadia, her still standing inside the shop. “Can we-”</p><p>“Can you tell my parents you don’t want to marry me?” Nadia interrupted.</p><p>She gulped, looking at Guzman, unease filling her eyes. Something was wrong.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>
  <i>Was this how their conversation was going to go? Their first conversation in months?</i>
</p><p>“Please. I need you to do this for me.” </p><p>The situation felt absurd, they hadn't seen each other in months and this is what they were doing. Standing outside Nadia's parent's shop, Nadia asking him to tell them he doesn't want to marry her. 

</p><p>“What’s going on?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Nadia answered defensively. “They’re just… confused.”</p><p>Guzman could now see how exhausted Nadia was, she wasn’t herself. She had been burned out by everyone around her, and she couldn’t take it anymore. </p><p>And so, Guzman, without saying anything, walked past Nadia and into the shop. </p><p>He walked into a fragile scene. Nadia’s parents had continued arguing together, but seeing Guzman raised a new flame behind Yusef’s eyes. </p><p>“I knew you’d ruin her life somehow.” He spit out. “And now you won’t even marry her?” </p><p>“Baba. Stop.” Nadia said, almost whispering. </p><p>Guzman looked at Yusef, then Nadia, then Yusef again. Iman stood away from them, examining the situation with worried eyes. </p><p>What was he supposed to say? That he hates her and never wants to see her again? Confirm his beliefs and ruin even more lives, like he had put it?</p><p>He didn’t know what to do. He’d come there to talk to her and he’d ended up inside a storm that was trying to kill him. </p><p>“I’ll marry her.”</p><p>But there was no reason for him to stop his habit of making bad decisions now. </p><p>“What?” Nadia and Yusef questioned in unison. </p><p>“I’ll marry her then.” Guzman repeated. “I’ll marry her, I’ll move to New York, I’ll do everything you want me to.” </p><p>Yusef’s face softened with confusion, Nadia had told him a different story after their initial dinner revelation.</p><p>“I’ll do whatever it takes to-”</p><p>Guzman was interrupted again. Nadia had taken his hand to drag him out of the shop and back outside. </p><p>She was angry with him, frightened too, but holding her hand for that brief moment made it a thousand times worse. She was right there but he wasn’t able to hold her, touch her, kiss her and tell her
what he really wanted. How much he wanted <i>her</i>. How much he loved her and how much he was going to love their baby. How much he’d missed her.   </p><p>The sun was now completely hidden behind dark clouds and rain had started to trickle down. Nadia was on the verge of tears, staring at Guzman with piercing eyes. </p><p>“What are you doing?” Nadia yelled, bottom lip trembling. </p><p>Guzman didn’t reply, staring back at Nadia, unable to move. What was he supposed to do?</p><p>“You were supposed to say that you don’t love me and that you’ll never love me and that we have no future together. You’ve ruined everything” </p><p>The rain came down heavier now, pouring, hiding any tears Nadia had. Guzman felt a knife go through his heart, the stabber twisting it to make sure he had heard the message loud and clear. </p><p>“Was I supposed to lie?” Guzman responded.</p><p>She looked at him with unbelieving eyes and hurt.  </p><p>“Lie?” Nadia scoffed, pain ringing through her voice. “You stopped talking to me months ago. After everything. Why are you even here? Do you just enjoy making my life a living hell?” </p><p>“I wanted to talk to you.” Guzman spoke, realizing it wasn't enough too late.   </p><p>Nothing he said would have made a difference. He was defeated. </p><p>“I don’t want to talk to you and I don’t want to see you again.”</p><p>There was a loud bang as Nadia closed the shop door, leaving Guzman on the other side of the window.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Nadia had kept to her bedroom for days, she wasn’t sure how long exactly, but long enough to lose touch with the concept of time. She didn’t know when she last ate or slept, but it didn’t feel important anymore. She wanted to stop existing. </p><p>While the non-stop fights with her father after he’d found out had reminded her she was alive, he didn’t allow her to forget. And she needed to forget. </p><p>Fortunately her parents had mostly left her alone after what had happened; unfortunately Omar would come and visit her every once in a while and force her to eat. He felt guilty. Her mother would  bring her tea sometimes, but Nadia would pretend to sleep so they didn’t have to talk. </p><p>She tried to forget, reminding herself that as long as Guzman didn’t know, everything was okay. She could get through this, somehow. And it was easier to eat when she felt like she’d forgotten. It was easier to drink when she remembered that Guzman had probably already forgotten. He’d had his fun and he’d forgotten. That’s what she told herself.</p><p>She’d slowly also come to terms with the fact that it had been her mistake. She should have never asked for his help. </p><p>All she needed now was to be alone. Seclusion had helped in New York and it would help in Spain. </p><p>And so, Nadia ignored calls and messages from everyone else except Omar. It had worked fine until now but was no longer sure it was a good strategy. She was scared that Lu would show up one day and drag her to a party somewhere. A party where Guzman would be. </p><p>Nadia’s eyes opened. </p><p>She got up from her bed, opening the curtains to see if it was morning yet. As she returned to her bed, her phone, that had been untouched for hours, started buzzing. </p><p>It was Omar, so she answered.  </p><p>“Heyyyyy, Nadia.” </p><p>He was drunk.</p><p>“Hi, Omar.”</p><p>“I need help.”</p><p>Nadia sighed.</p><p>“Where’s Ander?” </p><p>Ten seconds passed after this question was asked, Omar offering no answers. Nadia found herself more and more annoyed. </p><p>“Not here.” Omar finally slurred.</p><p>“Where are you?”</p><p>“Rebeca’s house.” Omar explained. “You have to come and get me.” </p><p>“No.” Nadia answered sternly.</p><p>“But I can’t get up.”</p><p>“You can’t get up?” </p><p>“I’m on the floor and I can’t get up. You have to come.” Omar confirmed.</p><p>“Where’s Rebeca?</p><p>“Not here.”</p><p>“But it’s her house.” Nadia sighed. “I’m not going to come to Rebeca's house, Omar.”</p><p>Omar paused again, not answering immediately. It should have been clear to him that Nadia was not going to go and<i>save</i> her drunk brother. </p><p>“But I think I’m dying.”</p><p>“You’re not dying.” </p><p>“I’m sorry for telling baba, okay.” Omar spoke, quieter this time. “And I am dying.”</p><p>“Okay.” Nadia replied. “Wait there.”</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>He hadn’t been drinking. He couldn’t drink. All he could think about was her, it was eating him alive, piece by piece. And alcohol would’ve helped with that but he couldn’t bring himself to drink. </p><p>He would just have to live with the fact that Nadia hated him. That she didn’t want anything to do with him. That he’d fucked it all up. He would never get to love her again, he would never get to touch her again, he would never get to hold his baby. </p><p>He needed to respect that. </p><p>He hoped it would get easier with time. Maybe he would learn how to drink again, maybe that would ease the pain. </p><p>
  <i>Maybe.</i>
</p><p>But now, he would need to help Omar, who definitely still knew how to drink. He was lying on the living room floor, waiting for someone to come and save him, Everyone else had left, everyone excluding him. </p><p>As he was opening the bathroom door, a familiar voice rung on the other side, stopping him in his tracks. </p><p>“Omar, why are you lying on the floor?” The voice asked. </p><p>“I told you, I’m dying.” </p><p>
  <i>It was Nadia. </i>
</p><p>Guzman decided not to open the door, instead he locked it again, leaning closer to listen. </p><p>“You’re not dying.” </p><p>The conversation stopped. It sounded like Nadia was trying to pull Omar up. </p><p>“You need to try a little too, okay? You’re too heavy.” </p><p>“I’m worried about you Nadia.” Omar said changing the subject and in the process, giving up on trying to get up. “You don’t go out, you don’t eat, you don’t sleep.” </p><p>
  <i>Nadia wasn’t eating because of him. She wasn’t sleeping because of him. He'd done this.</i>
</p><p>“I came all the way here just to help you get up from the floor. Let’s not talk about this, you owe me that much.” </p><p>“I don’t think you should give it away.” Omar continued, ignoring Nadia. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Well, I came over one night and you were sleeping, and I saw the messages from that Hakeem guy.” </p><p>
  <i>Who the fuck was Hakeem?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And why was she talking to him about giving the baby away?</i>
</p><p>“You looked at my messages?” Nadia questioned.</p><p>She was uncomfortable. She didn’t want to be there, she didn’t want to talk about it.  </p><p>“It’s his baby too, you can’t just give it away.” </p><p>“I don’t want him to know, okay? Don’t talk to him.” Nadia pleaded. “You haven’t told him, right?”</p><p>There was a pause. She didn’t think he knew. She didn’t want him to know. </p><p>“I would never tell him.” </p><p>“Okay.” Nadia replied, relieved. “Good. Now grab my hands and actually use your own muscles.” </p><p>Guzman realized he hadn’t been breathing properly for a while now. </p><p>He needed to do something. </p><p>He needed to do something because he still loved her. Even if she didn’t love him. </p><p>He would find a way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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